I'm jealous of your bromance
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Drunk is not a location!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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