Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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