A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
