I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
