his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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