You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
