In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
