careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Randomize
