I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
