Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
