The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
