I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
