***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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