also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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