I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
