I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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