my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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