There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize