I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize