They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
