She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
