I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
