smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
