I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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