I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
