Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
