Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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