Whod you bang
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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