toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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