Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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