The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
