Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
