I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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