Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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