Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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