What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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