I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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