dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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