Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
