I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
