It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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