you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
