Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
