dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
