did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
