he thought i was a dude.
she looked like the before picture.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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