my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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