there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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