never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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