You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
