I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
