I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
