Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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