now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Found your dick twin last night
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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