apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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