Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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