I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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